Recovering Alcoholic: the Depressed Alcoholic
I heard a counselor say once that alcoholism is a disease of the emotions. As a recovered alcoholic, I believe he was right on. Growing up, I don’t believe I ever really learned how to deal with my emotions. It wasn’t that I was suppressed in some way or locked in a closet as a child. Quite to the contrary, I had a great childhood. An older sibling and two loving parents, I grew up on a small farm full of fun and there was always something exciting to do. Growing up I always dreamed of doing great things.
The first time I got drunk I loved it. I must have been about fourteen and a friend and I got some malt liquor and went out to the local golf course and got pretty drunk. I loved the way it made me feel. From that point on, my life would never be the same. High school was pretty normal, I suppose we partied more than most young adults but it seemed to be the thing to do in the small town I was from. Then came college and I started partying pretty much every night. I didn’t have any real long-term emotional relationships, I guess I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was still pretty emotionally immature. When things got too uncomfortable or someone got to close, I would usually find a reason to end it.
So for years I really didn’t know how to deal with real emotions. If I was angry, I drank and got joyful, if I was sad, I drank and become the life of the party. At some point later in life I began to drink every single day and slowly alienated myself from any close relationships. I think a part of me knew that I had a drinking problem but really thought I could stop if I really wanted to. Looking back now, I realize I never really learned how to have a loving relationship with myself. So as I continued to drink, I starting experiencing severe depression and very self-deprecating thoughts.
Whether that is alcohol depression or not, I’m not sure what is actually. What I do know is that when I drank, my depression would get worse. And when I wasn’t drinking, I didn’t know how to deal with the deep emotional issues in my life, so I would continue to drink. It was a real hard cycle to break. Eventually I got so desperate that suicide seemed like a viable option. It was then that I entered alcohol treatment for hopefully the last time and have dedicated my life to recovery and learning how to deal with my emotions. Today, I’m grateful for emotions and have a loving relationship with myself. Stop by About Alcohol Depression to learn more about my experience with alcoholism and depression.
Testimony of alcoholic recovery.wmv – “Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now”……….. “Our description of the alcoholic, the ch…
Tags: severe depression, alcoholism and depression, high school, young adults, alcohol treatment