Anger Depression: Anger Work to Ease Depression and Achieve Forgiveness

by Gingertail

I agree that forgiveness is an important part of the journey to emotional and spiritual wholeness. However, quick forgiveness is often false forgiveness, and false forgiveness can be detrimental to the health (both mental and physical) of the one who practices it. In that sense, false forgiveness can be worse than no forgiveness. You can rush yourself into professing forgiveness only to discover later that anger is still sweltering inside of you. Then you may feel guilty for having this anger because you supposedly already forgave that person. Then you engage in all sorts of behavior to try to make it go away.

One of my clients, Bob, reported to me that he was not angry about anything in his life. He had come to me because he just did not want to feel depressed anymore.

After a few sessions with Bob I met with his wife, Karen. I learned that Bob loved to tease Karen. She had had an affair two years earlier and Bob had immediately forgiven her. But shortly thereafter, his teasing of Karen increased and he got depressed. I encouraged Bob not to tease his wife and instead to do Anger Work about the affair. Although he did not feel angry at first, the anger soon came out for it had been lying just under the surface the whole time. It was this unresolved anger that had been motivating his jabs to Karen. He felt good about doing his Anger Work because it made it easier for him to stop teasing Karen. He did not want to shame or hurt his wife anymore. Bob’s depression gradually went away, and their marriage grew closer because he finally got rid of the resentment he had been harboring.

We tend to deal with things the way we were taught to deal with them.

Sometimes this teaching comes in the form of overt statements from our role models such as “don’t be mad,” “you have no right to get angry at me,” or “let bygones be bygones.” “Forgive and forget” is another classic favorite. But often the most powerful message is a simple attitude that is learned by example from parents who never express anger themselves. Now that you are grown up and responsible for your own life, it is time to reevaluate the teachings that your family may have passed on to you and make a conscious choice about how you want to handle things. In Bob’s case, his family had always been big teasers while he was growing up. His mom would tease his dad about drinking too much beer, and his dad would tease his mom about getting fat. No one ever talked openly about what was bothering them. Bob fell into the same pattern without even realizing it. Once he became aware of how destructive his behavior was (eroding Karen’s self-esteem while adding to his own depression) he chose to stop teasing and vent his anger in the form of Anger Work instead.

There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, even for a long time when someone hurts you deeply. Anger is a natural, healthy response to abuse. Still, it is not a good enough reason to become abusive yourself. Your anger is there for a reason. Learn to make it your friend.

Anger, Depression, and Grief 2 –